If you’re a Liverpool fan, Sunday evening is best spent pouring a glass of wine, nestling on the sofa and allowing yourself to bask in one of the most glorious victories in your club’s entire history.
Yes, Liverpool have won more important games than Sunday’s encounter with Manchester United. They’ve won games by a larger margin too.
But rarely have Liverpool thoroughly spanked their arch-rivals in this manner. 7-0. Seven Nil.
Throughout a difficult season, as Jurgen Klopp’s side have faltered and sparked talk of a glorious era drawing to a close, United have rediscovered some of their old swagger.
Casemiro has been anointed as the best thing since sliced bread. Lisandro Martinez has replaced Virgil van Dijk as the defender that appears in your nightmares. Marcus Rashford has supplanted Mohamed Salah as the goal-getter du jour.
Those conclusions need to be hastily withdrawn after this historic thrashing. Salah helped himself to two goals, moving ahead of Robbie Fowler as Liverpool’s most prolific goalscorer in Premier League history.
But the most cathartic moment for Liverpool fans, and we half expect Liverpool’s players share the same feeling, was Salah sending Martinez down to Tesco with some bewitching footwork.
Sensing that United had mentally checked out, Liverpool raced forward in pursuit of more and increasingly hilarious goals.
Gathering the ball on the right flank, Salah lured Martinez into the foolish belief he had a chance of winning the ball.
What happened next shouldn’t exist outside of a Harry Potter novel; the Egypt international body swerved and swept the ball away from the United defender, who must have been rueing all the life choices that left him open to this humiliation.
Attempting to recover a sliver of dignity, Martinez went back for more but ended up on his arse with the ridicule of the Kop ringing in his ears. Never mind cooking, Salah had flipped him like a lunchtime omelette.
what Salah just did to Lisandro Martinez is criminal ffs😭 pic.twitter.com/eJYgvOmE01
— ✞𝙻𝚒𝚕𝚐𝚎𝚗𝚍 𝙸𝚜 𝙽𝚘𝚠 ᗯᗩ𝘠ᗯᗩᖇᗪ✞💣💨 (@Lilgend) March 5, 2023
“It’s very special, I can’t lie,” Salah told Sky Sports when asked about breaking Fowler’s record.
“This record was in my mind since I came here, I think after my first year I was always chasing that record, so to break it today, against United, with that result, was unbelievable. So I’m going home to celebrate with the family, have a camomile tea and sleep!”
Not only did Salah score his 128th and 129th Premier League goals for Liverpool, he became the first player in Europe’s top five divisions to score 20+ goals and provide 10+ assists across all competitions in 2022-23.
Liverpool’s Egyptian king has now scored more Premier League goals against Manchester United (9) than legends Thierry Henry (8) and Sergio Aguero (8). Alan Shearer is the only player in the competition’s history with more.
While Salah relaxes with his favourite cup of camomile, Martinez will need to take valium to sleep tonight.
As he lies in a darkened room, brain whirring and cheeks still rosy red with embarrassment, we guarantee that Salah’s moment of peak ridiculousness will be playing like a carousel in his mind.
And if that thought doesn’t warm your soul, can you really consider yourself a Liverpool fan?
By Michael Lee
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