Chelsea’s miserable, terrible, disastrous, horrifying, some other bad synonym, wretched season is nearly at an end.
The Blues travel to Manchester United on Thursday before rounding off the campaign at home to Newcastle on Sunday.
They could yet finish as low as 14th in the Premier League table, and the Evening Standard report that they have cancelled their celebratory awards night.
But don’t worry, Chelsea fans, that’s where we’re here to step in and help. Here are our picks for an alternative end of season award ceremony.
Read the latest Chelsea news here
Player of the season
And this isn’t even one of the gag awards.
It’d be very easy to go full QPR 2012/13 and give the fans this gong, but with the amount of deranged dream lineups they’ve posted on social media this year – one had Chelsea spend another £500m and end up with Caoimhin Kelleher in goal – they probably don’t deserve it either.
So well done to Thiago Silva, who has managed to not lose his marbles and play at a respectable level despite the circus around him.
Signing of the season
Ok, this is the beginning of the gag awards.
Many of the players who have arrived at Stamford Bridge this season have not yet found their feet, to put it kindly. They’ve been crap, to put it meanly.
The only signing who hasn’t quite vomited all over himself is Benoit Badiashile, who only arrived in January and wasn’t even part of Chelsea’s Champions League squad.
Manager of the season
Thomas Tuchel. Graham Potter. Frank Lampard.
You’re all rubbish and can’t hold a torch to Bruno Saltor‘s one-match unbeaten run in caretaker charge.
The Frank Lampard ‘no but seriously’ award
The winner of the Frank Lampard ‘no but seriously’ award?
Frank Lampard, obviously.
Least self-destructive goalkeeper of the season
Edouard Mendy was the recipient of the Best FIFA Men’s Goalkeeper award in January 2022. How time flies and how football changes, huh.
To his credit (and I’m not giving him much), Kepa Arrizabalaga has at least had some decent games, particularly in the first half of the season.
He still can’t save a shot from more than 18 yards out, however, and a long-term replacement should be sought immediately.
Funniest moment of the season
How was this feud between ex-Chelsea (and now ex-Tottenham) boss Antonio Conte and the soon-to-be-fired Tuchel this season?
Worst performance of the season
There are about 36 matches which qualify for this award, but there is one that stands above all others.
When Potter’s Chelsea were defeated 4-1 by his former side Brighton – who to that point had not even won a game under Roberto De Zerbi – the alarm bells were already sounding and there were clear signs that Todd Boehly may have got this huge decision wrong.
Worst contract decision award
Cesar Azpilicueta had an offer on the table from Barcelona.
He instead signed a new two-year contract.
Chelsea could finish 14th and Barça have just won La Liga. He also looks incredibly slow.
Best red card award
For around an hour of his debut away at Fulham, Joao Felix‘s expensive loan looked as though it might work out. He was playing with freedom and expression, a confidence which Chelsea had been lacking.
Then he was sent off for a daft challenge and suspended for three games. And Chelsea lost that match at Fulham.
The Todd Boehly prediction award
Was it bold for Boehly to insist Chelsea would walk into the Santiago Bernabeu and beat Real Madrid 3-0? Yes.
What is stupid? Yes.
Was it correct? Obviously not.
The ‘I forgot he even played a game’ award
Congratulations to Bashir Humphreys, who played in just one game for Chelsea this season before heading out on loan to Paderborn.
In fairness, 90min’s Jan Kupitz, who is local to the 2. Bundesliga side, has vouched that he has actually been impressive over in Germany.
The Ralf Rangnick ‘let me make matters worse in every press conference’ award
Every time Lampard takes to the podium, he seems to utter something which makes himself, the club and his players look even worse.
No jokes, just seriously.
He will be missed.
On this edition of Son of Chelsea, part of the 90min podcast network, Daniel Childs reacts to the latest Chelsea news as Frank Lampard’s Blues are reduced to irrelevance on Sunday within Manchester City’s title parade. Arsenal want to sign Mason Mount amid contract doubts, reports emerge about a bid for Dusan Vlahovic and an injury to Benoit Badiashile.
If you can’t see this embed, click here to listen to the podcast!
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